i know dis sounds very childish...bt thats who i am...a child...

 

Nobody wants to listen,

    just shout there way out.

Nobody wants to do any job,

    just blame it on others and leave it to the mob.

They come,they go,

   treat me like a public bench,

   standing in shifting sands of reality,

feeling trapped in a trench.

i hate when they treat me like a saint,

  why do they forget...

  sometimes even i need a coat of paint...

 Sometimes i stand still,

but my mind's lost in world of hope n thrill.

 

Sometimes i can see the hope glowing bright,

but i hide behind my thinking cap,away from the hope's sight.

 

Sometimes i look at others going,smoothly in race of life,

may be it's ther hope on which they thrive.

 

Sometimes i wait at the corner,for hope to notice my plight,

but it says it prefers them who continue there journey,of life.

 

I am a traveller,

in a magical ride..

in the train of thoughts,

i travel since forever.

 

Evil thoughts,

in the neighbouring train..

they whistle,they wink,

without any shame.

 

But i never travel,

an empty train..

the fellow thoughts,

help me escape the pain.

 

I stop at every new station,

to meet other travellers,

some like me,

some just on  a vacation.

 

But i want to be a magician,

one day..

changing the tracks,

according to my will n say.

 

For i dont want to end,

as a traveller forever,

since forever.

Its really freaking me out now...its 5 am i cnt even sleep...

i got my first year results yesterday..72.33%..and the highest was 75%...now i wasnt even in the top 3...

i knw the result wasnt bad,it was fine...bt if i cant even get the highest in a private medical institution such as this...what abt my future...

medicine is such a competitive field!!i mean have i made the right choice??

 

Problem#1-i'll complete these 5 n a half yrs...bt wat abt the post graduation...??postgraduation(esp. if i do go for psychiatry)is anyday betr abroad...wat abt da competitive exams ahead...??i

will i clear them...?am i copmpetent enough?wat if i cntt?there's no future,anywhere else...

 

problem#2-my family has no history of any doctors...who'l guide me??i've to find out everything abt evrything...i mean i have to behave my age now...for god's sake um 19 now...cracking stupid jokes,writing stupid poems n blogs,reading stupid novels,hanging out wid frnds,watching stupid muvies..and using the word stupid so many times will not help me dere!!!

 

problem#3-anyways its like a burden on my family...i mean um studying in a private instituition,3 lakhs every year is the tuition fee and then living in the hostel n plus all my stupid habits of spending without thinking...my parents hav 2 more kids...wat abt them..?

and these stupid entrance tests like PLAB and USMLE have only their entry fees in lakhs,and even if i get into it,then wat abt the tuition fees,living expenses??i knw dey'll do watevr i ask them to..bt y cnt i work n earn??why am i  so stupid in life??whatevr i do cn not suffice such huge sums...bt still,what will i work as??

 

Problem#4-i cant make a change in field,anyways...nor can i think of any odr profession!!and now um having these stupid doubts...y did i take MBBS???

 

Problem#5-i've no clue wat to do abt it...just try to forget abt the freaking problems...complete 5 n a half stupid yrs...and go wid the stupid flow of my stupid life...

bt i need answers...!!!!

 

                                                                            GOD HELP ME!!!

Not an actor anymore,

cant smile,on spotting people...

 

Not a writer anymore...

quit writing,at the click of a pen...

 

Not a singer anymore,

cant pour my heart out,at sound of a piano...

 

Not an escapist anymore,

quit commiting suicide,facing rejection...

 

not a defender anymore,

dont shoot arrows,on disapproval...

 

who was i ?

who am i ?

why am i ?

im just not me anymore...

They told me to set it free...

They said he was ebony,n me ivory...

They said i was beautiful,n he charming...

They said we were meant to be...

i set him free...in fields of strawberry...

i waited ...

          waited like a single leaf on a solitary tree...

          waited for the spring to come in my life too...

alas! charming was just a beautiful word...

its so frustrating now...took 2 days to get to add smthing...

and still cnt comment on other's... reading good things and not being able to da writer,not being able to express my opinion wen i can!!!

turns out that problem is in my comp...god knws wat... cant even cment even if i sign up wid anthr id...(thanx for da advice anirudh...in case ur reading dis...i had a full page cment on one of ur blogs...bt...;-(

 

as for me,not that i'd written neting new or had nething particular to share,bt just that my xams r cming and i dnt want to study!!!

and just wanted to talk...bt not to myself...not to anybody else and so this goes...

 

i mean nothing fascinates me much...i feel so old...

 

living in a hostel...going home to delhi,used to excite me...bt now even that doesnt...;-(

 

i feel so distant...i feel i um not connected to anyone really,i cant even talk abt anything that matters... i dnt think its a teenage thing ...i just turned 19,supposed to be da end of being a teenager...probably a life-long thing...probably everybody feels that way...

 

theres watching movies...saw this movie Parzaania(about gujrat riots)...it made me cry(da 2nd movie which cud do that;da first being bicentennial man)...

it simply loved it,it touchd me,it got me all involved...

and i was telling all my frnds to see it...when i realised...this is a movie based on true events... its not supposed to entertain people... and making a movie abt it was one thing and giving reviews abt da story...

so now i dont know whethr um supposed to say i like it,da movie.i mean...

 

and then these bombay ppl...even the ones i call my friends...its not like i dnt like them or anything...i think there r all sorts of ppl everywhere...and why cant they just get that...this nevr bothered me...i mean one thing i knw ppl can go on making fun about me and i really dont care(and evrybdy knws that i make fun of myself more than they can evr think of doing...)

bt wen dis saying things abt delhi started,it really bothered me...and i dnt really like defending...i mean once it was like u cnt really win wid me wen it cums to wits....bt now i just dont wanna say anything... bt that is not the problem...

da thing is it Bothers me!!!

 

well,then there's writing... its sort of difficult for me to say what i am feeling...its ok talking abt neutral subjects bt abt me...well...

so writing does make me vent out...i mean without actually discussing anything,i sorta express wat i want to... i mean probably by putting up on my space...its like even when nobody reads it,i feel i've shared evrything...{i've been doing it all my life,keeping things that matter to myself...,bt i feel wenevr u keep smthing wid urself for a very long time,it turns into poison...(ok sorry for da weird theory,bt thats wat i believe)}

and well this was surely a step(i think a big one;-),to sharing my thoughts...

 

its just like now...i knw i cud've written this in my journal instead...bt whatevr...

 

 

when i thought i'd finally made it...

sucessfully steered through all th obstacles...

when i thought the world wasnt my enemy anymore...

shook hands with them..

when i thought what could be worse...

 

it caught me again...

made me helpless once again...

made me reject even the frndz...

made me fall into the black hole...

 

i could think but not tell...

i could feel but not express...

i got hurt but couldnt scream...

i could worry not react...

i could feel the rejection,not love...

 

i could dream,bt not sleep...

Where am i?

who am i?

Is it not the right time for me to be what i am..?

am i ahead or behind the time...?

am i an outcast..?

am i lost or was i never, who i thought i was..?

It seems like an image of what i wanted to be..

is it?

Deep within,i'm still not sure what i wanted to be..

am i?

Even wen i take the earlier trodden paths,

i see new obstacles each day...

 

even wen i face da same tricky situations,

i experience new emotions each time...

 

even wen i luk at da same 18 year old face,

i can list a hundred new flaws..

 

even evrytime i thnk abt da forgoten past,

 i discovr new 'old' landmarks in life.

 

Were things always the same

or is it just anothr creation of my imagination...

Even when i take the earlier trodden paths,

i see new obstacles each day..

 

even wen i face da same tricky situations,

i experience new emotions each time...

 

even wen i look at the same 18 year old face,

i cn list a hundred new flaws..

 

even evrytime i thnk abt da forgoten past

i discovr new 'old' landmarks in life..

 

is it just a creation of my imagination...

or  has the world really changed...???

Still the same thoughts entering my mind...

they think i've become more thoughtful...

...say i've become more creative.

 

Still repeating the old mistakes...

they think i've learned...

...say i've grown up.

 

Still thinking about my past...

they think i've moved on...

...say time changed me too.

 

Still craving for the same things in life...

they think i'm satisfied...

...say i'm an achiever.

the earth stopped spinning...

the fire inside became ferocious...

 

i realised there was life beyond the happy ending...

...as i faced the "end"

 

i found myself drowing in the sea of emotions...

...da emotions i had once based my life upon

 

i realised there was no ending...

...it was smthing scarier than death itself          

 

the heart beats...

the lung respires...                                   

...bt the soul is numb

 

for i am alive n yet no more    

Its not da loneliness um afraid of...

                                          its da crowd um afraid to face...

its not friends i want to make...

                                          its da enemies i want to avoid...

its not da happiness i want...

                                          its da sorrow i want to overcome

its not da sucess i aspire to have...

                                          its da failure that scares me...

its not love i want...

                                          its da hatred um afraid of...

its not the fear of being called a coward...

                                                         its da limelight that scares me...

its not life um afraid to face...

                                          its life after death,that i dont want

 friend of mine told me that we stereotype ppl coz thats the way our brain remembers millions of ppl...we make different compartments in our mind... and put similar kinda ppl into one compartment...if i had to say this in botanical terms,it wud be called classification based on 2 or 3 morphological characters....

anyways,so i shifted to a college in maharashtra from delhi...well thats what ppl did to me...streotyped me... put me into a single compartment of their brains wid dozens of others...(and wen a person i had a teeny-weeny crush on,also did that to me...i was well...crushed...)

when they ask ur name,they want the full name....they want to knw ur surname,if u r marathi,gurati or smthin else... hey,even i love to make fun of sardars and ban iyas...bt its just making fun...i dnt really believe in that...they r jokes...i dnt have anything against u... bt i dnt ask u ur caste for god's sake!!!

then they ask where u r frm...and then wen i say delhi...they all have these questioning looks...coz they'd put all the ppl from delhi into a single compartment... and now they dnt need to ask anything else coz im da same as the first delhi-ite they'd met...so anything that i do will affect their opinion abt delhi ppl on the whole... if i laugh too much thats how delhi ppl r...,if um rude thats how delhi ppl r...

its da same wid faces...i mean ppl can tell u frm ur face whether u r a born genius or a born loser... great y take examinaqtions...y nt go to these expert face-readers theyl judge u on face-value,they;l form impressions seeing just one quality of urs...

they'l be surprised that u score above 90% and u were a part of scouts n guides and also know how to play a guitar...and y were they surprised coz u look like a petite bookworm whol spend all her life in da world of books...

and then they judge the person who's laughing all the time and seems to take life like a joke...acc. to them da fact that dis persn can score well too and cant imagine a life without reading n writing...y..?coz this plump maniac looks too dumb to do nethin productive...

then there's the theory of how u dress up...coz u often wear wat u like...and ur choice says wat kinda a persn u are...bt then there r other factors too...may be u r nt allowed to express urself...may be u dnt bother that much abt da way u dress and wear watevr fits u...

well all of us do dis...bt i feel very frustrated... coz i am a composite person who has different qualities that oi may share with different kinds of ppl...and so do u and thne person who's judging me... y cant ppl look at evreryone as an individual...??

probably coz its too difficult to understand everyone...(and as of now we have 186 students in our class...so how r we to remembr all of them unless we put them into compartments;-):-)

well i dnt know if u can call dis poetry...bt these r sm lines that automatically came in mind yesterday nite while i was trying to sleep(and cry at da same time)... just felt lazy to get a pen n a paper so just typed it on my mobile...so thank god for mobiles(in case u dnt like da lines,u r free to curse him too;-)) and for those of u who read da previous blog,dis has nthin to do wid me shifting to a hostel...

 

i was entrapped in an ice-berg...

away frm da world in da world of my own...

ppl cud only see da part of me above..

real me was hidden inside...the deep blue sea...

ppl came bt cunt harm da iceberg for i wudnt let dem...

for it had bcum a part of me as much as i was its...

 

then u came...

u broke da ice...

da world saw me in a new light...

i felt alive...

i was free,for da world...

u probably felt i wasnt da same-da persn in da iceberg...

for it had bcum a part of me as much as i was its...

 

and u left... i realised u were an illusion...

i'd to face da world now...

without my iceberg that'd preserved me for so long...

my iceberg...my protection...my guard...

'twas my home...

for it had bcum a part of me as much as i was its...