As soon as the world leaves...

  a reality sets in.

The tears roll down first,

  then i realise i'm thinking of you...

of how i dint care...when you were around

of how i shouted when you were concerned

of how i dismissed everything,when you wanted to help.

of how ungrateful i was...

 

you nurtured me all my life...

i dint even realise you needed me...

 

i ran away from reality...

 

Climbing up the stairs of our home,

i have memories rolling out of my eyes..

Climbing down the stairs of life,

i have regret trickling down my cheeks.

 

While sitting amongst strangers,its not the tears...

its just the love i couldnt express...

when i could...

 

Sorry mumma...i'l always miss you...

 

 

Sometimes there is no place to run to...

there is no place u can hide in...

no place for you to escape...

 

it haunts you...

wherever you go...

...even in ur deepest sleep...

 

no amount of happiness...

...can take you away from that grief

 

it doesnt leave you with options,

it doesnt demand any actions...

 

its just there...

...in front of you

 

you accept it...

you live with it...

                     or you fall...

...in a game called LIFE

i know dis sounds very childish...bt thats who i am...a child...

 

Nobody wants to listen,

    just shout there way out.

Nobody wants to do any job,

    just blame it on others and leave it to the mob.

They come,they go,

   treat me like a public bench,

   standing in shifting sands of reality,

feeling trapped in a trench.

i hate when they treat me like a saint,

  why do they forget...

  sometimes even i need a coat of paint...

Am i living just because i was born one day...?

will i love my children just because my parents loved me?

mere existence--is that what they call life these days?? so what,even a vegetable is living,atleast its useful...

but my existence.....???

 

According to the bhagvad gita,our purpose in life is to serve God...

now how many of us can love someone unconditionally...?

how many of us can serve someone whose very existence we start doubting,when something goes wrong...?

Leave that apart,with egoes as inflated as ours,who'll believe we are born to serve somebody else...??

 

that's the whole point of The Gita,God has to be adulated,he's on a level well above ours...

they say only a person who has faith can understand the gita,not one reading it merely for philosophical speculation...

God is not somebody else,he is 'The Supreme One'...

 

Sometimes i wonder what is the point of me knowing this stuff,even understanding it to an extent and having faith in it...and then not following it...??

Am i not worse than a person who doesnt follow it because he isnt aware...?

Am i not like the person who knows the questions to be asked in an exam the next day,and not preparing answers??

 

What is the point,if i think ill about others,when i know,my only relation in the world is with 'The supreme Soul'...

 

When i know my aim in life is to meet him,not ,why is that i compete,feel ecstatic on topping the class and crib on getting even a one mark less..?

that's what,the gita says,to do the assigned job for him,be detached from results...

 

I mean we think being in distress is suffering,but according to gita,even happiness is a suffering...then why do i feel happy on receiving a compliment and sad the moment i get a comment...

 

Why do i cry when a loved one dies...i know the gita says the soul is eternal,there's no point lamenting...

why do i get attached to a body which was with me...

 

why do i feel lonely at times,why do i forget,i can't have a happily ever after meeting the one,but ,my soul can after meeting "THE ONE" 

 

 

God only knows whats happening...i mean i've written a lot of stuff lately...none of which makes sense(i mean for others,it never did,bt now even i cnt understand  the crap that um writing...here's one more...piece of crap...(as u can guess frm the title)

 

Each day starts with a new fear,

ends in convincing myself,God is still here...

 

Each day begins with dissappearance of the white moon,

ends in convincing myself,its just a shadow,that will reappear soon...

 

Each day begins with the same old song,

ends in convincing myself,there are new melodies yet to be born...

 

Each day begins with eyes full of tears,

ends by reaching the lips,

                          a smile,

                          that banishes all my fears...

 

Still standing,near the woods...

where your eyes played with mine,

remebering those unspoken promises...

that shall forever remain divine.

 

Still making those marks,on the trees

counting the moments...

you are spending,

away from me.

 

Still waiting for you...

to catch the last tear off my eye,

waiting for you...

to say the final goodbye.

 

For i realised,

at the end of every chapter...

God blesses us all...

with a happily ever after.

 

 

 

 

 Sometimes i stand still,

but my mind's lost in world of hope n thrill.

 

Sometimes i can see the hope glowing bright,

but i hide behind my thinking cap,away from the hope's sight.

 

Sometimes i look at others going,smoothly in race of life,

may be it's ther hope on which they thrive.

 

Sometimes i wait at the corner,for hope to notice my plight,

but it says it prefers them who continue there journey,of life.

 

I am a traveller,

in a magical ride..

in the train of thoughts,

i travel since forever.

 

Evil thoughts,

in the neighbouring train..

they whistle,they wink,

without any shame.

 

But i never travel,

an empty train..

the fellow thoughts,

help me escape the pain.

 

I stop at every new station,

to meet other travellers,

some like me,

some just on  a vacation.

 

But i want to be a magician,

one day..

changing the tracks,

according to my will n say.

 

For i dont want to end,

as a traveller forever,

since forever.

MAY 2005-I dont care,who you are,where you from,what you do,as long as you love me..

shaurya

- why should you even be talking to me?i flunked...you topped...you must be so ashamed of me..

shania - listen,i know how much effort you put in,it isnt your fault...

shaurya

- i don't think you should be with me,anymore..

shania

- if you think its because of us,because of me...then its fine...

shaurya -

no,not you,i'm a loser...

shania

- oh please,did you ask your mom or dad or brother to leave you?

shaurya - that's different,they don't have a choice...

shania

- no i don't,i love you,there is no other choice..

shaurya

- love you too

Dec 2005

-on the top of the world,down on creation and only explanation i can find-is your love...

shaurya

- you know i talked to neha today..

shania

-oh,how is everything with her,how was she?

shaurya

-she's living in a hostel,now...and i talked to her room-mate too...she's really sweet...she's like you...

shania

- oh,since when have i become sweet?

shaurya

- oh,you...your so sweet,n i just love you

shania - love you too

FEB 2006

- there is no excuse my friend,for breaking my heart...

shania - why are you talking to me like this...?your exams are near...i thougt i shouldn't disturb you...

we talk for just 2 minutes,and i never complain...

and now after such a long time we're talking-talking,and this fight...

i don't think i can take this...we should break-up...

shaurya

- fine.

shania

- bye.

shaurya - bye.

click.

shania is thinking about him.she's crying the whole day whether at home,college,bus....he didn't once say he wants to continue this...

oh what did i do...probably its my mistake...i never give him a chance,i'm the one always taking decisions...

a day later,she calls him

shaurya -hello,shania...

what happened?why dont you say anything?

why are you crying?

shania

- is it really over?

shaurya - yes it is...

shania

- but why,i don't want this to happen...why should this be over,after almost 2 years...i cant live without you...

shaurya

-i dnt think this can work out now...and you'l learn with time..

shania

- i never can,and never will...i love you

shaurya

-i love you too,but this is over

APRIL 2006-i walk a lonely road,on the boulevard of broken dreams

shania

- its been 2 months...we still talk everyday like we used to,but why do you keep on saying that we are over?tell me why?

shaurya

-i dont know,it cant work out...

shania - but why?

shaurya

-dont know,let's talk about something else...

shania

- listen,as of now,my life isnt a cake-walk anyways...with all this pressure for entrance exams,my parents,friends...nobody is supportive enough...please you of

all people,don't create more problems for me,just tell me what the problem is...and dont say that u dont know...

shaurya

-achcha what if i were to say i've a girlfriend..?

shania

- oh don't joke with me..now you'l say its me,i'm really used to all your jokes please tell me why can't we be together?

shaurya -shania,i have a girlfriend,neha's roommate...

will you stop talking to me from now on?

shania,why don't u say anything?

shania

- umm...ok.since when has this been going on?

shaurya

- i think feb 28...she proposed...

shania - you mean 2 days,after we broke up...hmm...why didn't you tell me earlier?

shaurya

-i didn't want to lose you...will you stop talking to me now...?

shania - i dont know.i think i should keep down the phone now.

shaurya

-ok.but would you stop talking to me now?

shania

- i dont know,you lied to me,i really can't think right now.bye.

shaurya

-love you.

shania

- love you too.bye.

shania had seen the rosy side of love,now she'd to face the last stage of love too,death

wherever you are,whatever you do,i'll be right here waiting for you..

 

Its really freaking me out now...its 5 am i cnt even sleep...

i got my first year results yesterday..72.33%..and the highest was 75%...now i wasnt even in the top 3...

i knw the result wasnt bad,it was fine...bt if i cant even get the highest in a private medical institution such as this...what abt my future...

medicine is such a competitive field!!i mean have i made the right choice??

 

Problem#1-i'll complete these 5 n a half yrs...bt wat abt the post graduation...??postgraduation(esp. if i do go for psychiatry)is anyday betr abroad...wat abt da competitive exams ahead...??i

will i clear them...?am i copmpetent enough?wat if i cntt?there's no future,anywhere else...

 

problem#2-my family has no history of any doctors...who'l guide me??i've to find out everything abt evrything...i mean i have to behave my age now...for god's sake um 19 now...cracking stupid jokes,writing stupid poems n blogs,reading stupid novels,hanging out wid frnds,watching stupid muvies..and using the word stupid so many times will not help me dere!!!

 

problem#3-anyways its like a burden on my family...i mean um studying in a private instituition,3 lakhs every year is the tuition fee and then living in the hostel n plus all my stupid habits of spending without thinking...my parents hav 2 more kids...wat abt them..?

and these stupid entrance tests like PLAB and USMLE have only their entry fees in lakhs,and even if i get into it,then wat abt the tuition fees,living expenses??i knw dey'll do watevr i ask them to..bt y cnt i work n earn??why am i  so stupid in life??whatevr i do cn not suffice such huge sums...bt still,what will i work as??

 

Problem#4-i cant make a change in field,anyways...nor can i think of any odr profession!!and now um having these stupid doubts...y did i take MBBS???

 

Problem#5-i've no clue wat to do abt it...just try to forget abt the freaking problems...complete 5 n a half stupid yrs...and go wid the stupid flow of my stupid life...

bt i need answers...!!!!

 

                                                                            GOD HELP ME!!!

Image.

what is image but a reflection of oneself…

In somebody else’s or may be your own eyes…

We’ve all studied in physics, how a concave mirror forms real n inverted images and a convex one forms virtual n erect ones…

 

So what about our own image, as in what do people think of us??

Many people when asked what they’d do if they could be invisible for a day, I think, will want to see what other people think of them…what do they say about him when he’s not around..

Why…is it so important...the appreciation..?

Sometimes I wonder whether I really love the things that I love to do, or is it that I did them for the first time, I was appreciated, and so, I began loving things that I was good at…

Is it that’s why I love maths? Just ‘coz I’m good at it? (and just ‘coz some people find it hard, do they begin to hate it or is it the opposite)

ok fihure this...drawing...Well till 12th std. and 1 year of B.Sc. I never touched a pencil. Somehow I always used to find some friend in each class (what luck, I thought, or was it?),who would draw for me. I never made my own art files or journals…I was afraid of drawing…

Then this year, when I’d to live in a hostel(without my mum who’s an excellent artist) I was worried, as to what now…but then as usual I had a friend who would draw for me. But one day she’d to complete her file too,so couldn’t help me…and now I had to…

And you know what happened, the teacher said my drawing was better than hers(appreciation#3)…OMG…

So I came home in holidays, helped my sis in her holiday homework, drew something and they were amazed, my sis asked if I’d traced the thing…(here comes the appreciation#2)

My mother said oh u really r my daughter(!appreciation #1)

I mean will I start to love- drawing??

 

Self appreciation vs. others

If i think I’m good at something, and somebody depreciates my efforts, I’ll feel bad, there would be moments of self doubt .

now anybody who rejects me, must have his own reasons- may be personal or perhaps genuine…but at the end, its upto me to accept it just as a positive criticism, ask others what they think about the whole thing or just leave the full thing, coz of this one person…

I’ve always believed its up to us, if we want to agree with the person,we accept da compliment n if not,we just ignore it,forget abt it,reject it..

I knw smtimes we are wrong,and then we are called stubborn!!!

so where do u draw the line between being determined or just plain stubborn?

 

How people perceive us,sometimes depends on just that-their perception…I mean somebody who doesn’t like u,obviously his/her friend is filled wid preconceivd notions about you…

Or u probably were in a bad mood that day,when the person met u for da first time(I think most ppl will agree that first  impression is not the last one,bt their belief is quite opposite. And they do judge ppl on the basis of their first  impression ,unless there’s a chance to make a second one…

 

Every one has some image of all people they know…and they never expect you to go out of character…I mean one day the ever talkative person decides to just be..,they’re bothered..one day the ever advising one is mum on some topic,theyre bothered…if a person good at maths n physics takes up medicine,they’re bothered…

I dont knw if um ritght or not…but I think everyone has everything filled inside…everyone is a winner at every sport…i dnt beilieve in inborn talents…its about the inborn drive to be somtehing,to excel…at anything…

i used to think that my forte is limited,bt now I know there's nothing as a forte

its not just the things that I once thought I was good at,its everything I want…I knw its just the intensity of my need,my want,that’l decide my excellency…

Virtual image is the part which people can see,what appears to be,what you too come to believe in,with time…

Real image,is innate,the one that tells you,everything’s possible..

And that explains why the virtual one is the erect one…coz its da real,inverted one that ur supposed to believe in n straighten it,so the world can also se it… 

Not an actor anymore,

cant smile,on spotting people...

 

Not a writer anymore...

quit writing,at the click of a pen...

 

Not a singer anymore,

cant pour my heart out,at sound of a piano...

 

Not an escapist anymore,

quit commiting suicide,facing rejection...

 

not a defender anymore,

dont shoot arrows,on disapproval...

 

who was i ?

who am i ?

why am i ?

im just not me anymore...

Yet another day,yet another sunrise,

everybody covered in yesterday's disguise...

 

the father who hides his grief,

the mother who cries,not for the long lost son,

but for the father who cheats her...

 

the children,who play with the dog each day,

yet when time comes,call it stray...

 

the fisherman trying to catch his next meal,

the net holding the man's yesterday's dream...

 

the moss embracing the wall,

the same way,each day,growing tall...

 

the statue stands amidst it all,

for birds trying to fly or fall...

 

if i take a step further...

                               it may fall or stand up n walk,

i prefer lying  down instead.

 

if i think about it...

                        it may make or break my life,

i prefer to be called hollow inside.

 

if something happens...

                              it may be for good or bad,

i prefer to lead an uneventful life/

 

if i fill a glass..

                   it may fill upto the brim or overflow,

i prefer an empty one.

                      

wish for something new to happen,

     yet afraid to see the other side of moon.

Wish to reach new destinations,

     yet fear to venture the road less travelled.

Wish to appear unpedictable,

     yet hope the world to understand.

Wish to be left in solitude,

     yet expect to be liked.

Wish to acheive sucess,

     yet fear its stepping stone.

Wish to be inspired,

     yet yearn for originality.

Wish to be different,

     yet fight for equality.

Wish for freedom,

    yet hungry for affection.

Wish to let go,

    yet waiting to find it again.

Wish for ecstasy,

    yet cynical about love...

They told me to set it free...

They said he was ebony,n me ivory...

They said i was beautiful,n he charming...

They said we were meant to be...

i set him free...in fields of strawberry...

i waited ...

          waited like a single leaf on a solitary tree...

          waited for the spring to come in my life too...

alas! charming was just a beautiful word...

its so frustrating now...took 2 days to get to add smthing...

and still cnt comment on other's... reading good things and not being able to da writer,not being able to express my opinion wen i can!!!

turns out that problem is in my comp...god knws wat... cant even cment even if i sign up wid anthr id...(thanx for da advice anirudh...in case ur reading dis...i had a full page cment on one of ur blogs...bt...;-(

 

as for me,not that i'd written neting new or had nething particular to share,bt just that my xams r cming and i dnt want to study!!!

and just wanted to talk...bt not to myself...not to anybody else and so this goes...

 

i mean nothing fascinates me much...i feel so old...

 

living in a hostel...going home to delhi,used to excite me...bt now even that doesnt...;-(

 

i feel so distant...i feel i um not connected to anyone really,i cant even talk abt anything that matters... i dnt think its a teenage thing ...i just turned 19,supposed to be da end of being a teenager...probably a life-long thing...probably everybody feels that way...

 

theres watching movies...saw this movie Parzaania(about gujrat riots)...it made me cry(da 2nd movie which cud do that;da first being bicentennial man)...

it simply loved it,it touchd me,it got me all involved...

and i was telling all my frnds to see it...when i realised...this is a movie based on true events... its not supposed to entertain people... and making a movie abt it was one thing and giving reviews abt da story...

so now i dont know whethr um supposed to say i like it,da movie.i mean...

 

and then these bombay ppl...even the ones i call my friends...its not like i dnt like them or anything...i think there r all sorts of ppl everywhere...and why cant they just get that...this nevr bothered me...i mean one thing i knw ppl can go on making fun about me and i really dont care(and evrybdy knws that i make fun of myself more than they can evr think of doing...)

bt wen dis saying things abt delhi started,it really bothered me...and i dnt really like defending...i mean once it was like u cnt really win wid me wen it cums to wits....bt now i just dont wanna say anything... bt that is not the problem...

da thing is it Bothers me!!!

 

well,then there's writing... its sort of difficult for me to say what i am feeling...its ok talking abt neutral subjects bt abt me...well...

so writing does make me vent out...i mean without actually discussing anything,i sorta express wat i want to... i mean probably by putting up on my space...its like even when nobody reads it,i feel i've shared evrything...{i've been doing it all my life,keeping things that matter to myself...,bt i feel wenevr u keep smthing wid urself for a very long time,it turns into poison...(ok sorry for da weird theory,bt thats wat i believe)}

and well this was surely a step(i think a big one;-),to sharing my thoughts...

 

its just like now...i knw i cud've written this in my journal instead...bt whatevr...